Divorce might ruin your health without you knowing it
How a lack of knowledge can damage your health
Most of my patients have never thought of the impact that psychological distress has on their health. They aware of the unwanted feelings and emotions but are not aware of the health issues that can result. Their health mostly was taken care of by medicine: anti-anxiety, antidepressants, irritable bowel syndrome relief tablets or migraine and headache pills. However, one day they realised that enough is enough and it is the time to start taking care of their health independently from magical drugs. It is not that the medicine is a bad thing. However, relying on it for rest of one’s life and not taking a chance to help yourself to get better is either due to a lack of knowledge or the fear to admit to yourself the undesirable past.
“Although both men and women are at increased risk for early death following divorce, the studies by Sbarra and colleagues revealed that divorced men evidenced greater risk for early death than divorced women” (Sbarra et all, 2011).
When it is not normal to be anxious
Anthony is a 65-year-old man. His first appointment with me was very official and distant. He was showing all visual symptoms of general anxiety disorder but he had never asked a GP for help. For nearly 30 years, he thought that it was “normal” to be anxious all the time. Furthermore, the word “anxiety” to him was an alien word.
“I felt as if my entire room from the sofa to the chairs was vibrating from his presence. His hands were shaking, but not visibly enough to other people and his voice was trembling with deep breath pauses between the sentences,” I thought as I remembered Anthony’s first visit.
‘I think that you might help me with my relationship. My wife’s mother has Alzheimer’s disease and is struggling to think clearly. One night, she switched on the gas in the middle of the night to cook. I hardly can cope with it. But it is not that I can’t cope with my mother-in-law with “whatever she has,” but I can’t stand my wife. She is so stressed out that my relationship with her is fading away and tearing us apart,” explained Anthony to me with caution to be judged for what he said. “I would rather tell you everything that I feel instead of telling the people that I know. I am scared of being judged, but I can’t live my life like this anymore”.
Revealing the truth might cause you tears
It was already his second marriage. His 45-year-old wife was living between homes. She was spending one month in Moscow, Russia where her mother lives, and the other time either in London or Dubai. Anthony was travelling with her to Moscow most of the time. However, he was not doing it recently. Anthony’s first marriage ended up in a painful divorce. “I thought I would never get married again. It was so stressful. My two children were cut off from me. I could see them and talk to them, but they were not here. They visited me in Dubai and spent time in my home in London, but I was not there when they were growing up.” While painfully describing his dramatic divorce, Anthony cried for the first time in 30 years. He had bottled himself up with emotional memories.
When no treatment plan is the plan
Although I have never explained to Anthony the treatment plan or the technique that I use, I made it clear that we would deal with what comes to the surface during his visit and that sometimes I would dig deeper into his mind. I also assured him that there was nothing to worry and that I would make him comfortable and safe. Therefore, he would leave me with an “empty bucket”.
“I read about hypnosis and how it can be useful for relaxation. However, I have never experienced it myself,” said Anthony. “I want you to understand Anthony, that we are not here (my office) to relax and for you to feel as if you are in a massage chair. We are here to work on what needs to be taken out, what your mind hides from yourself and what we need to do to stop your anxiety,” I helped him to understand me and our therapy sessions properly, “But you will feel relaxed at the end and empowered.”
Session 3
The following week Anthony walked into my office stressed out and with cold and sweaty hands. I greeted him with a smile of pleasure that I got when I saw people doing something about their problems, rather than denying them. Anthony sat on the inclined soft armchair, but he was fidgety. I thought it would be best if I gave him a break from confronting the past and put his mind at rest.
His whole body had sunk into the chair like a ragdoll. I could see his emaciated, wrinkled face was getting softer and carefree. That was the time for hypnosis and cheerful wondering. His mind was at peace, like nothing in this world mattered. Anthony had needed that session to restore his energy.
To take new steps takes courage
Anthony and I have seen each other for nearly a year. Sometimes it was just once a month or a few times a month, but he told me, “I need you to guide me now. I feel like a little baby who is learning to take his first steps in life,” he explained. I did not argue with him. Instead, I was teaching him how to take those new steps. I assured him that it takes courage to ask for help and that he was on the right path.
A year later, at the age of 66, Anthony was signed up for Russian language courses and joined the ranks of the oldest university students in the UK. His divorce became history. It left light memories of how painful it was, but with no actual feeling of pain. His second marriage was stable. It wasn’t just Anthony who became relaxed and content but his wife also stopped worrying about being an “extra burden” for her husband. Anthony stopped shaking and panicking. His voice showed signs of confidence and internal acceptance.